Centering

Art: “Messenger” by Victor Nizovtsev

As a woman who has reached midlife, there are many moments in my week when I stop, sit, and reflect on the balance and intention in my life. Sometimes, I see the short view of where I am, the hour before and the hour after. And sometimes, I see the long view, like the first half of my life, how I did and felt about it, and what I want the second half of my life to look and feel like.

The key is wholeness. How do we live a life full of integrity and wholeness? We start by loving ourselves truthfully and honestly.

In the bullseye of life, we are in the center, all by ourselves. When we can balance and love ourselves, not hide from our values, and practice our strengths, we are centered.

It is then that we can bring our truest selves to the second bullseye ring, which is our children, animals, or aging parents, the ones who literally depend on us.

The third ring is our partners, our best friends, and our family.

The fourth ring is our balance of home and lifestyle choices.

The fifth ring is our environment, community, work-life, play, and travel.

Finally, we reach the sixth ring, which is how we relate to the rest of the more distant world.

Is this bullseye view how you were taught to prioritize your life? Why do you think that is?

So many people who have families believe they, their partners, their children, dogs, cats, and the home are in the center of the bullseye. This is where things go wonky. So many women around my age, at least, were taught that the kids, home, our careers, and the man of the house come first before ourselves. This is a recipe for imbalance, depletion, and burnout. We cannot fill anyone else's cup without filling our own first. And, by the way, filling our own cup is not dependent on anyone else doing it for us, which is how we slide into codependency either with our partners, our kids, or our workplace.

What if we never marry or there never will be a man of the house or kids? What if we get a divorce, have to move from a house to an apartment, or our kids move away from us? What if we lose our job? What if, what if, what if? This is how fear takes over and keeps us small. Eventually, everything returns to the beginning bullseye, with you in the center.

The most thoughtful way to begin is to recognize how important it is to balance yourself first and deeply look at your own gifts and flaws, your desires, what you want to let go of, and why. Does the why resonate most deeply in your heart or your head? Ego or spirit? Obligation or passion? Logical or creative place? What you were taught, or what you believe? What have you given up on, and what do you no longer want to compromise? What don't you have or never had that you've always wanted? Now is the time to center yourself and welcome it into your life. But how?

We start by taking a gentle, deep look into the choices we have been making. This is the first step of self-love in the process of repentance. It's a beautiful churchy word inviting you to confess your most profound truths to yourself.

Sarah Bessey writes in her beautiful new book, Field Notes for the Wilderness, "I'm here with you, let's untangle you together. There is no place you can go where you will outrun God's love and longing for your wholeness."(p. 123) Bessey created a solemn and poetic checklist to help guide us through the process of repentance, which is a gentle, authentic place to start looking into our own hearts, minds, and spirits.

She writes, "In this process of repentance and confession, you're going to have to learn to allow yourself to say,

Yes, I have done things wrong.

Yes, I am tired of faking fine and avoiding accountability.

Yes, I am weary of being strong.

Yes, I am in need of help.

Yes, I have hurt people---intentionally and unintentionally---

and I need to make it right.

Yes, I taught or expressed theology that I deeply disagree with

now.

Yes, there were consequences for the things I said and did in the

lives of other people.

Yes, I used tactics like bullying, or silencing or ostracizing.

Yes, I judged and gossiped and accused.

Yes, the way I act on social media or at work or in my family

isn't consistent with my deep hopes.

Yes, I am ready to admit that I get things wrong, that I benefit from systems, that I choose violence, that I am led by my legitimate desires for belonging or respect or love into behaviors that delegitimize others or myself.

Yes, I am complicit with systems of abuse or, supremacy, or marginalization.

Yes, I am entangled, and I do not know how to get free.

Yes, I have been carrying the weight of this alone, and, God, I'm

so so so tired.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

Forgive me. " (Field Notes for the Wilderness p. 123-124)

How many of us will read this, think about it with an "ahh...yes, this is so good." and keep living our lives the way we've been living them because if we actually lived our lives authentically, the change would be too overwhelming for us and everyone else? Or so we fear.

This is where we stop, breathe, drink water, and begin again until we are actually willing to make those life-altering changes... stepping stone by stepping stone. We cannot live our lives without integrity and pretend to everyone around us we are practicing our values. That choice will lead us down a long performance path of harm whose ripple effects won't be pretty, and there will be no gold stars. It will feel like loss all the time, and it will haunt us. That is not self-loving and not honest with anyone else in our lives; therefore, it is not fair or respectful. It's not okay to pretend. It's not okay to "fake fine." Are you living a life practicing intentional connection with everyone or every place you love with your whole heart? If not, why not?

We were not born into this gorgeous world to live in silent misery or give up what we long for to settle into a life of conventional obligation because our egos or the egos of others (fear might call this love) are too important to maintain. We are spiritual beings, and we are here to learn how to love ourselves and each other with full-on integrity and openness. Every day, We have the opportunity to find our very own life coaches (like me) and therapists who specialize in the areas we are having a hard time acknowledging, just for ourselves in our center bullseye.

In other words, if you are in the process of coming out as LGBTQIA+, I recommend finding a coach and a therapist who also identifies as LGBTQIA+ to connect with. If you have unresolved trauma that you can't ignore anymore, find a coach and a therapist who specializes in trauma. If you're even thinking about a divorce, find a coach and a therapist who specializes in divorce to talk to. Just because you've had the same therapist for ten years doesn't mean you need to stick with that same therapist still. We are always changing and we can learn how to live our lives authentically with guidance from the heavenly realms, earthly planes, and oceanic depths of our hearts.

So, let's take a breath

and remind ourselves

You're not really alone.

You've got this.

Let's do this together.