journey into a more joyful way of being

Suppose you are somebody who finds yourself constantly putting the needs of others before your own, struggling to say no, and feeling guilty and anxious when you do. In that case, you may be somebody who has learned to cope by being codependent and a people pleaser. Codependency is when our self-esteem becomes dependent on external validation, and very often, that is with a romantic partner. And we lose sight of our wants and needs. It often comes from a childhood wound that creates a false belief that taking care of somebody else's needs first will make us feel safe. So, it's a process of taking your power back, and it's about learning boundaries and embracing your vulnerability so that you can experience the depth and richness of your true self and what genuine connection feels like. Ultimately, it is really about radical self-love and acceptance. 

We become so focused on seeking approval and love outside of ourselves that all of our self-worth falls into the hands of other people. Essentially, we are giving our power away. As a child, this coping strategy was logical and even necessary. By being attuned to the emotions and desires of those around you, you could maintain control and ensure your well-being, believing that if they're okay, you're safe. However, as you grow into adulthood, these behavior patterns can become detrimental because they can lead to a cycle of self-betrayal and unfulfilling relationships. You may find yourself putting the needs of others before your own, not because it brings you genuine joy or fulfillment but because you fear the consequences of not doing so; even if this is unconscious, it might be driving many of your decisions and the thought of disappointing someone, facing their anger or rejection can be so overwhelming that you'd rather sacrifice your happiness than risk it. 

This fear can be so deeply ingrained that you might not even be aware of the extent to which it drives your actions. But often, we need to be more conscious that this is how we behave. We live in the shadow. But by putting light on it, we transform. It's crucial to understand that the fear of rejection and the belief that you're only worthy of love when you're pleasing others is not a reflection of reality but rather a distortion created by your early experiences. Because your worth is inherent and it's unconditional. 

It's not something that can be earned or lost based on your ability to meet the expectations of others. However, recognizing the truth intellectually and embodying it emotionally are two very different things. So overcoming codependency and people-pleasing is not easy, and it requires a willingness to sit with the discomfort and challenge the long-held beliefs and patterns of behavior. This process begins with self-awareness and introspection. Sometimes, we're operating in a way we're unaware of, and it means learning to prioritize our needs and desires even when they feel foreign or selfish. And when you find yourself about to engage in people-pleasing behavior, that's the moment to pause and reflect on your motivations. 

Ask yourself, 'Why am I doing this? Is it because I genuinely want to? Or because I feel obligated or fear the consequences of not doing so?" mainly if you think it's tied to safety and security. And discover that your actions are driven by guilt or shame or a belief that it is your responsibility to ensure the happiness of others. It may signify that you're operating from a place of woundedness rather than authentic desire. This realization can be painful because it requires confronting the part of yourself that you may have learned to suppress or deny to maintain a healthy sense of safety and belonging. 

But this discomfort is a necessary part of the healing process because acknowledging and validating your needs and emotions creates space for a new way of relating to yourself and others. You start to see that your needs are just as valid and vital as anyone else's, and it's not your job to sacrifice your well-being for the sake of others. Somehow, in childhood, you came to believe that. As you practice setting boundaries and saying no when something does not align with your desires and values, you may encounter resistance from those accustomed to your accommodating nature. They may become frustrated, disappointed, or even angry when you start to prioritize yourself. So, this can be a challenging part of breaking the cycle. 

And it can become very emotionally charged because it triggers the very fears that have driven your people-pleasing behaviors in the first place. So, it's important to remember that the discomfort and anxiety that you feel in these moments are not indicative that you're doing something wrong. They're a sign that you are challenging deeply held ingrained patterns and beliefs, and it's a testament to your resilience and strength that you're willing to face these fears to be more authentic and to have a more fulfilling life. Often, it robs us of the joy of life if we're so busy and consumed with somebody else and their emotional state that we're unable to be present and be in the moment and enjoy our lives because essentially by making your happiness dependent on the other, you're giving them all your power. So it's a process of returning your power, which can feel good. It creates sovereignty and autonomy. 

You may begin to find that your relationships shift. People may fall away as you learn to set boundaries and advocate for your own needs, and while this might be painful, it's also an opportunity to create space for more balanced and reciprocal connections. Because when you're no longer operating from this place of fear, you become more attuned to the people and experiences that truly resonate with you. And then, you start attracting people who value and respect your boundaries and can meet you in a mutually supportive and nurturing way. The shift towards more authentic connections can be scary because, after years of defining yourself through your ability to please others, the idea of being seen and loved for who you are can make you feel incredibly vulnerable. In a way, this is how you control life to keep you safe. 

So, when you stop relying on that control pattern, you may fear rejection or abandonment if you reveal your true self with all your needs, desires, and imperfections. But it's only by embracing this vulnerability that you can experience the depth and richness of your true self and what genuine connection feels like. When you allow yourself to be seen and loved for who you are rather than who you think you need to be, you open yourself up to a level of intimacy and belonging that's impossible when you're constantly hiding or suppressing parts of yourself. But this journey is going to take a lot of work. There will be times when you fall back into old patterns and times when your fears and doubts feel overwhelming. It's essential to approach these moments with compassion and understanding and recognize that healing is a process and that the "setbacks" are a natural part of growth, and it just means you're growing. 

The most powerful tool you can have in this process is self-compassion. When you feel guilty or ashamed for prioritizing your needs or experience the discomfort of disappointing someone else, remind yourself that you're doing the best you can with the resources and understanding you have at that moment. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would to a friend or someone you love struggling. We're often better able to do it for others than for ourselves. Another critical aspect of this process is learning to cultivate a sense of self-love and self-worth that's not contingent upon the approval or validation of others, and this means developing practices and rituals that nurture and support you, whether through self-care, creative expression, or pursuing activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. It also means learning to validate and meet your emotional needs rather than relying on others. 

This can be a challenging task, especially if you have a history of emotional neglect or invalidation. However, by practicing self-compassion and learning to attune to your emotions and needs, you can develop a more stable and resilient sense of self. Your definition of love and connection expands as you continue on this path of self-discovery and empowerment. And rather than seeing love as something that must be earned through self-sacrifice and people-pleasing, you start to understand that true love is unconditional and abundant. You begin to know that you are not taking away from your ability to love and care for others by loving and honoring yourself. But instead, you're enhancing it. 

When you can give from a place of fullness and self-love, your actions become more authentic, nourishing, and sustainable. Ultimately, overcoming codependency and people-pleasing is one of reclaiming your power and authenticity. It's about learning to trust yourself, honor your needs and desires, and stand in your truth even when it feels scary or uncomfortable. It's a journey of letting go of the belief that your worth is tied to what you can give, and it's about embracing the truth that you are inherently worthy and loveable just as you are. It's about learning to love and accept yourself unconditionally to extend that same love and acceptance to others. Now, this journey is not always easy, and it's not always comfortable. 

It requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to face the parts of yourself that you may have learned to hide or suppress. However, it's also a journey of immense growth, healing, and transformation. As you learn to set boundaries, honor your needs, and cultivate self-love, you will find that your life expands in ways you never thought possible. You'll attract people and experiences that align with your authentic self and find a sense of joy, fulfillment, and connection that is truly nourishing and sustaining. So, if you find yourself resonating with the struggles of codependency and people-pleasing, know that you are not alone. And that there is a path forward. 

It may not be a straight or easy path, but it leads to a more authentic, empowered, and joyful way of being—trust in your resilience, wisdom, and inherent worthiness. Surround yourself with people and resources that support and validate your journey, and most importantly, be kind and compassionate with yourself every step of the way. Remember that you are not your fears or your past experiences. You are a beautiful, complex, and evolving being with an innate healing, growth, and transformation capacity. By embracing this truth and committing to your journey of self-discovery and empowerment, you open yourself up to a world of possibility, connection, and love.

Words by NatureMind Coaching and from a reading called "People Pleasing and Codependency." by https://www.thepattern.com/