Have you ever felt a feeling so deep inside that you were too afraid to speak out loud? A feeling that thrives on secrecy, and you were very aware of it? There is a silent epidemic that we as a society are still learning how to unravel and talk about, and that is shame. In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't), Brene Brown writes:
We as a society can talk about violence, but we are still afraid of shame. When we feel shame, we just keep pretending it's not happening. Shame and self-esteem are very different issues. We feel shame. We think self-esteem. Our culture teaches us about shame; it dictates what is acceptable and what is not. We weren't born craving perfect bodies. We weren't born afraid to tell our stories. We weren't born with a fear of getting too old to feel valuable, with a Pottery Barn catalog in one hand and heartbreaking debt in the other. Shame comes from outside of us—from the messages and expectations of our culture. What comes from inside us is a very human need to belong, to relate.
We are wired for connection. It's in our biology. As infants, our need for connection is about survival. As we grow older, connection means thriving emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually. Connection is critical because we all have the basic need to feel accepted, to believe we belong, and to be valued for who we are. Shame unravels our connection to others...shame is the fear of disconnection---the fear of being perceived as flawed and unworthy of acceptance or belonging...We silence our voices and keep our secrets, out of the fear of disconnection.
Here's the thing: we all feel shame. Shame is the monster under our bed, in our head and chest, that wants us to stay small, tight, perfect, beautiful, intelligent, and admirable. It will work with fear so you never grow outside of its cage. Shame is a control freak. So how do we learn to resist this freaking shame monster inside of us so we can grow?
The shame monster disintegrates by intentionally practicing courage, empathy, and compassion with ourselves. When we can stand in our most profound truths courageously, not hiding anything from anyone we deeply care about; when we are empathic towards ourselves by honoring what we truly desire and love in every way; and we can make compassionate choices that are full of honesty and integrity in all areas of our life, that is when we have built enough shame resilience to be able to share those gifts with others.
We cannot give to others what we cannot give to ourselves first. If you try to model courage, compassion, and connection with others, yet you are not genuinely practicing them with yourself, the freaking shame monster is riding along with you, and you know that the choices you are making aren't fooling anyone who truly knows and loves you. That's just you pretending your life is together when it isn't, which makes shame grow, and then, of course, your life lacks integrity, and it's a vicious cycle that keeps you feeling small and terrible.
Instead of going down that rabbit hole, let's build our shame resilience by practicing courage, empathy, and compassion with ourselves first. Who do you know who intentionally practices courage, compassion, and connection every day? Those are the people you want to connect with. Those are your people. Your nervous system will feel the difference when you are in the right places, connecting to the right people for you.
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