I've been thinking about love lately, as in, what is true love? I have friends seeking me out to chat about frustrations or conflicts they are having with their partners, colleagues, or parents, and the first thing I think about in my head is, does my friend, first of all, understand the nature of true love? So I thought I'd start at the beginning and share with you what I was taught true love is.
"Happiness is only possible with true love...There are people who understand the nature of true love and how to generate and nurture it." writes Thich Nhat Hanh in his book Teachings on Love. And I know from first-hand experience some people are clueless about generating it for themselves and don't know how to nurture it in others. Hanh continues, "You must practice love, compassion, joy, and equanimity to dwell in the source of Love. These four elements are called "immeasurable," because if you practice them, they will grow in you every day until they embrace the whole world. You will become happier, and everyone around you will become happier, also."
It sounds so simple, doesn't it? But when you deeply think about how to practice love, compassion, joy, and equanimity, you realize you need to start with yourself before you can practice this with others. And to truly practice these four elements of true love, you need to understand healthy boundaries, when to say no to what doesn't resonate in your heart, and when to let go of whatever doesn't work for you anymore. That might not feel loving at first, but when you deeply think about it, it is you learning how to love yourself, and in the long run, that is more respectable than thinking you love when you are not. Is acting like you love someone else when in your own heart you don't really feel that totally honest? Is that true love? Hanh writes, "If we learn to practice love, compassion, joy, and equanimity, we will know how to heal the illnesses of anger, sorrow, insecurity, sadness, hatred, loneliness, and unhealthy attachments." We'll know how to heal these illnesses by recognizing them, healing ourselves first, putting down healthy boundaries, and then knowing how to interact with others respectfully, but also letting others be responsible for loving themselves so we aren't doing their work for them. This is the basis for raising our kids, isn't it? Then shouldn't this be the basis for raising ourselves first?
"The first aspect of true love is Maitri, the intention and capacity to offer joy and happiness. To develop that capacity, we must practice looking and listening deeply to know what to do and what not to do to make others happy. If you offer your beloved something she does not need, that is not Maitri. You have to see her real situation, or what you offer might bring her unhappiness." Thich Nhat Hanh writes. People have often asked me, "Why are you always smiling and happy?" And that, of course, makes me laugh because it's a little odd to hear that. But it's because I have developed the capacity to offer joy and happiness every day by being present with myself, journaling, reflecting, and being present with others, especially those I most love and want to be joyful with and happy with. When people cannot offer joy and happiness to themselves every day, they also cannot offer them to others, and that is very, very easy to witness if you are paying attention and being present.
"You must look deeply in order to see and understand the needs, aspirations, and suffering of the one you love. We all need love. Love brings us joy and well-being. It is as natural as the air. We are loved by the air; we need fresh air to be happy and well. We are loved by trees. We need trees to be healthy. In order to be loved, we have to love, which means we have to understand. For our love to continue, we have to take the appropriate action or non-action to protect the air, the trees, and our beloved." Hanh writes. If your beloved is not present with you, they are not practicing true love. You will effortlessly know who is practicing being present with you and who is not because you can see it and you can feel it. And you can ask yourself, am I present enough with myself and others too? Am I being honest with myself and those I love about how I feel? And remember, a non-action is a choice too. If your beloved is not being present with you, they are choosing to be not present with you, and that might not have anything to do with you, but you can respond by not giving them your attention in return. Give your attention, be present with those who return your attention and are effortlessly present with you.
"To develop compassion in ourselves, we need to practice mindful breathing, deep listening, and deep looking. Compassion contains deep concern...We need to be aware of the suffering but retain our clarity, calmness, and strength so we can help transform the situation." Hanh writes. Our beloved should be able to give this to us easily, just as we should be able to give this to them easily. That is how you know you both are practicing compassion correctly. When your beloved is not acting clearly, calmly, or strongly on a daily basis, they are not practicing compassion within themselves, and that is the first thing they should be doing before talking with you. They are suffering, and to help them; you need to not be in that same chaotic place. You need to be clear, calm, and strong first. That way, you avoid activating or triggering each other. Usually, waiting 24 to 48 hours is recommended to calm down, understand the situation, and bring clarity to yourself. It is okay to wait a day or two before responding to a problem so you don't escalate it. And they should be doing the same with you without you having to teach them or remind them regularly how compassion is practiced. Meditation always helps us get clear and non-reactive.
"True love always brings joy to ourselves and the one we love. If our love does not bring joy to both of us, it is not true love...many small things can bring us tremendous joy...we have to open our eyes to see what is all around us...Dwelling in mindfulness, we can touch these wondrous and refreshing things, and our mind of joy arises naturally. Joy contains happiness, and happiness contains joy." Hanh writes. When you practice gratitude and presence together daily, they build joy in your heart, mind, and spirit. You will feel peace and contentment and, therefore, be able to give peace and contentment to others.
Finally, there is the fourth element of true love, equanimity, balanced, even-mindedness, and knowing how to let go. Hanh writes, "If your love has attachment, discrimination, prejudice, or clinging in it, it is not true love...true equanimity is the wisdom of equality." Equanimity allows us to watch our feelings like a movie on a screen instead of just being lost in the middle of them. It allows us to remain impartial when we need to be and able to see both sides of a story because we are centered within ourselves when practicing equanimity. Your love may become possessive and controlling if you don't practice equanimity. You will imprison yourself and your beloved. "Yet many people do just that. They rob their loved one of her liberty until she can no longer be herself. They live to satisfy themselves and use their loved ones to help them fulfill that. That is not loving; it is destroying. You say you love her, but if you do not understand her aspirations, needs, and difficulties, she is in prison called love." And if your partner does not understand what is truly in your heart, you are also in your own prison. Neediness wrapped up in anguish is an accurate indication that equanimity is lacking. Breathing and drinking water helps.
True love contains love, compassion, joy, and equanimity. If you practice these daily through self-reflection, pretty soon, they will flow in and out of you so effortlessly that you won't even notice you're practicing them; but others will. You will notice very quickly when others are not practicing these too. This is probably why I seem happy most of the time and why friends come to me for support and advice. I have much to learn, and I want to learn love which is why I practice it every day intentionally. I've been deliberately practicing these four elements of true love for many years now, and that's also inspired me to become a coach. I look forward to sharing these practices with you wherever you are on your path.
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